[it's not janus' first kiss. maybe it's not even their second. but none of the other ones have felt like this before, sweet fire racing to janus' face and stomach, their heartbeat trying to outpace it, a glut of butterflies in their belly winging away even faster still. time dilates; the kiss is forever and janus can't breathe. their head full of white noise, and they think a lot of crazy thoughts that are less crazy for a child raised as a soldier, that they would do anything for this person to see him smile again, to see his eyes dry, that they could do anything, a totality of duty and dedication and willing sacrifice that is at once frighteningly indoctrinated and simply sixteen.
they don't think about emily. about what they want or should; about fair or unfair. this is more than they thought they'd ever get, ever, and after the butterflies and the cardiac sprint and the bellows puffing hotly in their face, it's a tidal wave. it's every metaphor they've never bothered to read.
that's to say, they're kissing arel back. a little clumsy but not badly, lips pursed hungrily on his lips and eyes mostly closed, just open once or twice mostly to check they're doing it properly, their arms moving up higher around arel's neck, like in the romantic movies that janus doesn't remember having watched. and because chinatown i guess is rather useless in moving this thread forward now the tag is ending, but if you need more to respond to just let me know.]
[He isn't sure that it is what Janus wants. It occurs to him, that maybe Janus is kissing him back out of obligation. But his own heart is going crazy, beating against the bruise on the inside of his chest that Emily left. It's too much and also not fair, he's taking advantage of Janus, taking more than what he was offered.
His fingers spread out, down along Janus' terribly long neck, touching for a moment longer, kissing for a moment longer, before he pulls away, softly, softly, their lips sticking together before they're free of each other. Arel opens his eyes. He can't breathe suddenly.]
I'm sorry. [It's not the right thing to say, even if he means it. But it needs more than that.] I don't - you deserve better than this. Than me. I just. Really wanted to do this.
right now, they wish mainly that arel hadn't stopped. it's disorienting, the way that the older man pulls away, as if somehow in those three seconds janus had started to use arel's breath and hands as new measures of reality. this is ground, arel's solid shoulders. this is sky, the wind of arel's breath. this is gravity, the warmth of him pulling janus tight.
janus is very slow to take their hands off him. one arm and then the other. they fold their hands on their lap, their heart crashing, head abuzz. they don't know why arel stopped. why he's sorry. are they like that with the blond boy from his instagram? the wolf girl with the enormous eyes? does he apologize after kissing them? janus wonders if they hadn't kissed him back well enough, if they should have used their tongue. if this is a special technique for getting people to ask.
janus keeps their face as blank as they can, watching arel's. they don't know the ritual. they don't know the right thing to say, to make arel want it again. but they can't afford not to speak, and their mouth is still tingling. their neck still tingling.]
Why are you making this such a big deal?
[it's definitely the wrong thing to say. later, they'll know.]
[Why is he? Because he cares. Because the last person he's allowed to have feelings for was murdered. Because he doesn't want to treat Janus the way he does Robert, or Charlie. Because he doesn't want Janus to be a friend he fucks.
He inhales, sharp and hurting when the air hits his lungs.]
Because it is a big deal, Janus. Isn't it a big deal to you?
[It's as if Janus thinks that they don't matter to Arel; another notch on the bedpost, so to speak.
His head is too jumbled for this conversation and he's pretty sure he's completely screwing up - that he's already screwed up.]
[yes? no? should it be? janus doesn't say anything, sensing it's too late. they wish they had been paying more attention. it had gone too quick. by now you'd think they'd be used to it, not being allowed to have something. it feels more unfair than it is. like being told your daimon is a harpy. janus remembers that when that news used to weigh on them, their moms would remind them to think of flying, so that the humiliation and grief was worth it.
they try to think of kissing arel the same way. moments in the sun for assassins in the dark. they're careful to keep their hands loose on their lap, their mouth relaxed. they've been working on their tells since they were twelve. they're here to protect arel. they can let him think the world is safer than it is, so they can let him think that not kissing is fine.]
[Arel blinks. Surprise etching over his features.]
Like a date?
[He ought to say no. They've shared coffee before - hot beverages, anyway - and they've had breakfast together, even sometimes lunch, when their schedules align and they see each other in the mess hall. Arel's not tried really hard to separate his time with Janus from his time with his friends, but he realises now that it still happened.
[it wasn't meant to be like a date, but janus doesn't really understand why they don't want that, never mind know how to put words to it. but that's the moment it clicks for them: arel loves a goddess and now she's here. and that's why arel had kissed them and he'd rather do a coffee date. they don't know why that seems unnerving, why they'd rather be like charlotte or rob.
(unbeknownst to them, the two of them will be disagreeing about something else next week anyway.)
being a harpy is much less complicated than arel.]
Sure, [janus says. then they touch arel's shoulder because that seems like a friendly thing to do, and gets up from the bed.] Let's go.
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no subject
they don't think about emily. about what they want or should; about fair or unfair. this is more than they thought they'd ever get, ever, and after the butterflies and the cardiac sprint and the bellows puffing hotly in their face, it's a tidal wave. it's every metaphor they've never bothered to read.
that's to say, they're kissing arel back. a little clumsy but not badly, lips pursed hungrily on his lips and eyes mostly closed, just open once or twice mostly to check they're doing it properly, their arms moving up higher around arel's neck, like in the romantic movies that janus doesn't remember having watched. and because chinatown i guess is rather useless in moving this thread forward now the tag is ending, but if you need more to respond to just let me know.]
no subject
His fingers spread out, down along Janus' terribly long neck, touching for a moment longer, kissing for a moment longer, before he pulls away, softly, softly, their lips sticking together before they're free of each other. Arel opens his eyes. He can't breathe suddenly.]
I'm sorry. [It's not the right thing to say, even if he means it. But it needs more than that.] I don't - you deserve better than this. Than me. I just. Really wanted to do this.
[It still feels like the wrong thing to say.]
lmk if this is too arelmato
right now, they wish mainly that arel hadn't stopped. it's disorienting, the way that the older man pulls away, as if somehow in those three seconds janus had started to use arel's breath and hands as new measures of reality. this is ground, arel's solid shoulders. this is sky, the wind of arel's breath. this is gravity, the warmth of him pulling janus tight.
janus is very slow to take their hands off him. one arm and then the other. they fold their hands on their lap, their heart crashing, head abuzz. they don't know why arel stopped. why he's sorry. are they like that with the blond boy from his instagram? the wolf girl with the enormous eyes? does he apologize after kissing them? janus wonders if they hadn't kissed him back well enough, if they should have used their tongue. if this is a special technique for getting people to ask.
janus keeps their face as blank as they can, watching arel's. they don't know the ritual. they don't know the right thing to say, to make arel want it again. but they can't afford not to speak, and their mouth is still tingling. their neck still tingling.]
Why are you making this such a big deal?
[it's definitely the wrong thing to say. later, they'll know.]
no subject
He inhales, sharp and hurting when the air hits his lungs.]
Because it is a big deal, Janus. Isn't it a big deal to you?
[It's as if Janus thinks that they don't matter to Arel; another notch on the bedpost, so to speak.
His head is too jumbled for this conversation and he's pretty sure he's completely screwing up - that he's already screwed up.]
no subject
they try to think of kissing arel the same way. moments in the sun for assassins in the dark. they're careful to keep their hands loose on their lap, their mouth relaxed. they've been working on their tells since they were twelve. they're here to protect arel. they can let him think the world is safer than it is, so they can let him think that not kissing is fine.]
Okay, [they say finally.] How about coffee then?
no subject
Like a date?
[He ought to say no. They've shared coffee before - hot beverages, anyway - and they've had breakfast together, even sometimes lunch, when their schedules align and they see each other in the mess hall. Arel's not tried really hard to separate his time with Janus from his time with his friends, but he realises now that it still happened.
He ought to say no.]
Sounds like a plan to me.
no subject
(unbeknownst to them, the two of them will be disagreeing about something else next week anyway.)
being a harpy is much less complicated than arel.]
Sure, [janus says. then they touch arel's shoulder because that seems like a friendly thing to do, and gets up from the bed.] Let's go.